The Museum Employee Song (lyrics)

by Scott Harris
(With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, though they’re dead anyway)

SCOTT:

I am the very model of a Modern Museum Employee,
I have a very nice gift shop and charge a small admission fee.
With grants I pay the staff and all the bills for the utilities,
If the South had won the Civil War, instead of “Grants” we’d apply for “Lees.”

When I became a Director I worked all day and never tired,
But now it seems most all the time that with minutia I am mired.
With deficits and budget cuts I worry that I might get fired,
But if I’m canned at least I won’t have “other duties as required.”

When children come from local schools they run amok and shout with joy,
They don’t bring many chaperones and so my staff they do annoy.
Because they don’t read “please don’t touch” it’s no use trying to be coy,
For the last time I’m telling you, THAT CANNONBALL IS NOT YOUR TOY!

CHORUS:

For the last time I’m telling you, that cannonball is not your toy!
For the last time I’m telling you, that cannonball is not your toy!
THAT CANNONBALL IS NOT YOUR – NOT YOUR TOY!

SCOTT:

I cite places, dates, and facts, and other things historical,
And I know waistcoats, corsets, spats, and other terms sartorial.
Show me two Picassos and I’ll tell you which of them’s for real,
Because I know precisely what is meant by “CURATORIAL.”

I think Margo, Jennifer, and Heather to VAM heaven sent,
They run this conference, hold workshops, and make sure our dues are well spent.
The Council watches over all and makes sure nothing’s turbulent,
Joe Gutierrez just might be the handsomest VAM President.


When I’ve learnt that a replica of a chamber pot never really sells,
When I present the budget and the trustees don’t have fainting spells,
In short, when I’ve a got smattering of elementary SOLs,
[“elementary SOLs,” hmm, that’s tough—GOT it!]
You’ll say that Museum Employee should have a job just like Ford Bell’s.

CHORUS:

You’ll say that Museum Employee should have a job just like Ford Bell’s.
You’ll say that Museum Employee should have a job just like Ford Bell’s.
SHOULD HAVE A JOB - A JOB - JUST LIKE FORD BELL’S!

SCOTT:

For my knowledge of museums, though it’s still imperfect all can see,
No one has a finer cabinet of curiosities.
And while I doubt I’ll ever get a chance to join the cast of “Glee,”
I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MUSEUM EMPLOYEE!!

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE (OR CRICKETS . . .)
(download a .pdf version to keep forever)